kelly hicks maternity photo

Before I even start this post, I feel that I should include a disclaimer. No, I am not pregnant. If you would like me to be, feel free to take it up with my husband in the form of internet harassment because, apparently, the in-person kind doesn’t work.

But I digress. Having given birth to two humans, I know a little bit about what being a pregnant lady feels like. I also know that there must be some magical spell that spreads through osmosis and makes people lose their freakin shit when it comes to talking to pregnant ladies. Suddenly any tact a person might have is thrown out and any question or statement seems like fair game, no matter how little a person knows you.

I put together a list of some of my absolute favorites so you can see what I mean…

kelly hicks maternity photo

This gorgeous maternity shot is by Kelly Hicks

You look like the number five.

Considering the person who said this to me was my then 4-year old daughter, I’ll cut her some slack. But do yourself a favor. If you’re going to talk to a pregnant woman about her physical appearance, stick to telling her she looks wonderful and refrain from referring to anything round and/or large.

You do not want to feel a pregnant woman’s rage. And you do not want to make her cry or spend the remainder of her pregnancy harping on her degree of roundness. Her husband might want to take you out—and not for a fancy dinner.

Wow, that went fast!

Well, yeah, of course it did—for you! You weren’t the one unable to eat for the first three months or sleep for the last three months or sneeze without peeing while you were growing a human being inside you!

It would seem fast to someone who wasn’t up all night because of heartburn or leg cramps or my baby is an alien dreams or the sudden physical need for candy corn at 3 am.

When you’re not the one having your energy sucked from you for ten months, it would seem like a little stroll in the park, wouldn’t it?

If you catch her on bad day, she will tell you all of this. If you tell her on a good day, she will smile and nod in agreement while wondering if there’s anyone on the planet that’s dumber than you.

Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?

Really? Why would anyone say this? You might as well just come out and tell me I look like a house, because that’s obviously what you’re implying.

I think my favorite variation of this one was when a (clueless) male coworker commented that it looked like I was about to have a large baby and then went on to say that he hoped I didn’t have any problems getting it out. The best part is that he said this complete with hand gestures, which immediately made me turn tomato red since he was obviously thinking about how my giant of a baby was going to escape from my vagina.

Please see no-no number one and know that it is best to avoid any and all discussions of size. Also never, ever allude to my vagina.

Oh, you must be so disappointed that it’s not a boy/girl/superhuman cyborg.

Please listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you. Most women are thrilled to be pregnant with a healthy baby. That’s all they want. A baby that is healthy. Sometimes a couple might try for another in hopes of getting whatever sex they don’t already have, but even then the most important thing is a healthy baby.

Your projections about what you think I might be wanting are annoying–and you really don’t want to mess with the hormonal ticking time bomb that is a pregnant woman. So, no. The life that is growing inside of me is not, in fact, a disappointment.

Was it planned?

Let’s take a step back here. If you’re even wondering about this question, chances are you (like the woman in my former office’s lunchroom) don’t really know the person that you’re talking to that well. Which means it’s none of your stinking business, jerk hole!

Seriously, if you have to ask you shouldn’t. And what would you say if she looked you in the eye and said no? Will you pat her on the back and say “There, there. It will all be ok” (before racing back to dish the dirt with your cubemates)? I’m thinking it’s more likely you’ll be in an incredibly uncomfortable position with a woman so unstable she will either want to stick her fork into your squishy eyeball or bawl in your lap while telling you all of her deepest darkest secrets.

Also, it’s just rude. If you don’t know, there’s a reason for it. And as someone who had an unplanned child (and who is silently wishing for a second one—just kidding husband… maybe) I can tell you right now, the last thing I want to know is your opinion on the matter.

Alright. End rant. But seriously, what is wrong with people?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard someone say to a pregnant woman?

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Written by Jennifer Garry

Jen is a freelance writer and girl mom from New York. When she’s not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find her sprawled across her couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on her face. The struggle is real.