Wanted: Resting Bitch Face Coach

Have you heard of the phenomenon known as Resting Bitch Face? If you haven’t, I’m positive you have experienced it. I’m pretty sure everyone knows a person whose default face is a sour puss.

Need some help envisioning sufferers of Resting Bitch Face? I’ve got you.

resting bitch face

Anna Paquin, Aubrey Plaza, Michelle Obama, Kristen Stewart. All sufferers. These are ladies who, when neutral, seem to be throwing some serious bitchface. And lest you think it’s always women, there are guys who suffer from it as well. Kanye West and Robert Downey, Jr. are two that immediately come to mind.

Some sufferers of this syndrome may be actual bitches. Others, are just unfortunate enough to have faces that sink into a near scowl when they’re at rest. Michelle Obama, for example, can look like the warmest, nicest woman when she smiles, but when her face is at rest, chaos ensues.

This video (which is not safe for kids, unless you want your toddler calling everyone a bitch) sheds a little light on the issue:

OK, so we all get what it is, right? I think I’ve explained it to death.

My problem is that I’m a sufferer of the opposite problem. People rarely think I’m intimidating and/or bitchy. Instead, they think that I need to hear their life story while waiting on line at the grocery store. Or that I would be the perfect (free) therapist whilst weeding through clothing racks at Marshalls.

Worse yet, pretty much everyone (wrongly) assumes I’m interested in them. I’m the kind of person guys try to slip their number to after perusing softcore rodeo porn in the store I’m working in (Seriously. True story). The kind of girl who (while working at the same store) is approached by two girls talking suggestively about glow sticks and the things that can be done with them before being asked if I’d like to join them. The kind of girl who is repeatedly asked by friends “Why were you hitting on him?!”

People of the world, it’s just my face! When I’m nervous and/or at rest, my default is a smile. This does not mean I want to date you. This does not mean I want to talk to you. And it certainly does not mean that I want to watch rodeo porn with you (in case you missed the memo, I hate horses).

What I need is a coach. Someone who can teach me to perfect and sustain a face that says “At this moment I am unapproachable.” Consider it a vacation responder of sorts. A way to say “Heeeeey, I’m sure what you have to say is infinitely interesting but I’m not here right now. Try again when I’m back to sucker mode.”

My husband will tell you that I’m certainly capable of a bitchface. My problem is in keeping it there to ward off unwanted interactions.

What say you? Do you have Resting Bitch Face? Could you be my coach? Or do I have to just study Tavi’s guide on how to bitchface until I’ve gotten it down to a science?

You may also like