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Don’t Judge Me But… I Hate Horses.

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bride with horse

For real. But before you get all up in arms and incredulous and Judgy McJudgester, let me explain it to you from my side.

I’m not really sure where my hardcore aversion started. I just know that I have two distinct and borderline traumatic childhood stories involving horses in one way or another that may have contributed to it.

First, when I was really little I was at my aunt’s house horsing around (har har, get it?) with my cousin. He was pretending to be a bucking horse and I was having fun riding on his back. At least I was until I flew over him and into the corner of the glass coffee table, slicing the bridge of my nose and requiring a trip to the ER. My first ever trip to the ER, mind you. They butterflied it so as not to traumatize me any more (blood in your eyes is kind of horrifying when you’re little).

I don’t think this was what made me despise horses (since, you know, no actual horses were involved), but I like to point to it smugly to add to my assertion that they are dangerous creatures (even children mimicking them = straight up danger!).

What I’m pretty sure was the kicker was a birthday party I went to at some rinky dink petting zoo. It was rainy. The ponies smelled like wet dog marinated in depression. I watched them poop and they seemed huge and dangerous and unhappy to be there. So unhappy that one of them kept jumping up and whinnying or whatever that scary sound they make is called.

I did not want to ride one but some well-meaning parent more or less forced me to. I blame that parent for the fact that my daughters will never go horseback riding with my permission. I was terrified and disgusted and wet from the rain and did I mention terrified?

Horses suck.

I seriously never understood the girls who were totally into them with posters on their wall and long flowing hair to match their horse’s mane. And cowboys? No thanks. The hats and belts and boots are dumb. I’d rather take a bearded dork in a band any day.

Honestly, I think this is the main difference between horse lovers and those who are way less fond of them:

bride with horseThe lovers see them as majestic and bathed in a warm glow of sunshine; pure and magical and carrying a handsome and mindbogglingly polite gentleman who has come to sweep you off your feet.

Come on, ladies. That whole magical thing? You’re getting them confused with unicorns (or maybe My Little Ponies which are pretty pastel colors and have cutie marks on their flanks). I’ve always thought that the knight in shining armor is really supposed to ride in on a unicorn. It makes much more sense than a stinking horse.

I see these beasts in a light that’s a little more realistic:

horseThey’re ugly. They have huge, terrifying teeth that look like they could crush human bones with ease. They’re large and they’re supposed to be wild. If they get all fight or flight on you, you’re pretty much screwed since they easily outweigh you.

Aside from their straight up scariness, can we talk about the pooping? I don’t like watching turds drop underneath a flicking fly-infested tail. Gross.

Also, can I just say that there is absolutely nothing romantic about a horse-drawn carriage ride? Come on people. You’re sitting at the business end of a large and smelly beast. Are you really going to feel all romantic with the smell of horse shit wafting up under your batting eyelashes? I think not.

OK. I think I feel better. Vent session: complete.

I’m linking up with  504 Main, Fingerprints on the Fridge, and Serenity Now this week. Check them out!

Jen is a freelance writer and girl mom from New York. When she’s not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find her sprawled across her couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on her face. The struggle is real.

61 thoughts on “Don’t Judge Me But… I Hate Horses.

  1. Omgosh you have me laughing over here!!! Love how you turned your dislike (ok hatred) of horses into such a funny story. That last horse pic is a riot too.


  2. HAHAHHAHAA oh man you’re hilarious!!! I’ve never been a fan with horses and never saw the fascination in them so don’t worry you’re not alone! Plus…they are SO stinky up close!!! I’d take a dog any day – dogs can be majestic too!! 😀

    1. Ok so I know it’s 2016 and you posted that comment in 2012 but you should still be grateful that I took the time to reply to your dumbass comment on horses and how the stink. Dogs are sooooo gross!!! The eat their own god damn poop like idiots and then lick your face. Most unpleasant feeling ever!!!!! And to make matters worse!!!!! The have the absolute most horrid stench ever!!!!

  3. As someone who grew up riding them everyday, I totally agree with you. They are large and strong and creatures that have their own thoughts and opinions. They can hurt you without knowing it and will crap on your boots in a heartbeat. That being said, I do live working with them but your fears are not unfounded. I get you…

    1. Thank you!

      I mean, I totally get that some people love them. There are plenty of things I love that other people don’t understand (heeeey dorky boys with lots of face scruff). And I know that they’re used therapeutically, which is awesome. But still. I can’t handle the beasts!

  4. I’m so mad at you right now! My kids are asleep! You just HAD to post that second picture of that horse! I laughed sooo loud, BWAHAHAHAHA!

    I’m sorry you don’t like horses. I can say that I get nervous around them. It started when I watched Gone With The Wind when I was 10 and saw a pony (which is basically a horse, right?!) kill Bonnie Blue Butler, resulting in Scarlett and Rhett’s downward shame spiral.

    … Does this comment make any sense? … 😉

  5. I don’t think people realize how much WORK horses are ~ and that a horse can sense your apprehension (perhaps hatred?). Too bad your second experience was with a pony, they can be pretty cantankerous.

    Popped in from FYF.

  6. It’s unfortunate that you’ve had such negative experiences with horses as they really are amazing creatures that teach important life lessons. There was a study (wish I could remember its name to link it here) that girls who were involved with horses statistically have better self esteem and communication skills, higher grades in school, less incidence of teenage pregnancy, less drug use, more likely to graduate from college, and have healthier relationships with significant others. To me, that’s worth a little horse stink.

    1. I’m not judging horse lovers and I’m not expecting horse lovers to judge me. To each his own, right? If my girls showed a real interest, I’d consider it. But for now I’ll work on their self esteem and moral compass the old fashioned way: by being a positive role model and nurturing their creativity and smarts as best as I can.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. No joke, I was once charged by a very majestic stallion that got loose in my old neighborhood. He was still less of an asshole than anonymous internet trolls.

  11. I’ve just come home from a SIX hour horse trek with my horse crazy friend. I came across this while googling ‘it’s okay that I hate horses right?’ because the vitriol I was faced with back at the stables when I said ‘yeah, like it was fine, it’s not as if horse riding is meant to be fun…. is it?’ made me think there was something wrong with me! Now I feel better that it’s not just me who thinks horses are jerks. Thank you!

    1. Listen I love horses I want to give up but no one time I met this horse it was a traind mustang will sort of and I wanted to go to the dogs but no for some reason that horse was staring at me like saying get on me get on cousin went on a anthor horse and I decided to go on the horse that was staring at me,so I went on it and the guide was leading us and at that moment a huge snake was next to the guide suddenly the mustang (I was on him) just scared him away so that’s why I love them cause they are Heros and for some reason that horse chose true story at 9 years old and also haters you should be happy for horses

    2. Haha! Stephanie, I love it. I can’t believe people go on horse treks for that long. Five minutes is more than enough for me, I can’t imagine riding one of those beasts for the equivalent of a school day. You win all of the prizes!

  12. this whole message is very ignorant i own horses and all this proves is your just like the ass that you rode even though asses aren’t horses you are acting like one get a life instead of ranting no needs your 2 sense about everything lady! you probably don’t even know how to ride because if u did the horse would probably knock u off and kick u straight to Alabama and hopefully you would get pooped on and bit to since you think its so terrible you big F in baby get a life and learn how to deal with your problems instead of blame them on wonderful creatures that God my saviour has made!!

    1. Dear Rose,

      I’m sorry that your life is so unfulfilling that you have to troll the internet all day specifically looking for people who don’t like horses. I’m also sorry that your grammar is so poor. Perhaps instead of yelling wildly at strangers on the internet you could do something more productive with your day. English classes, maybe? Just a thought.

      Have a lovely day and make sure to come back and yell profanities at me again soon. Kisses.

        1. Why is it that all of these horse loving freaks that search the web for horse hating posts (from two fucking [sorry Michele] years ago) are so unintelligent that they can’t even string together coherent sentences in this auto-correcting day and age?? You’re awesome Jen… F them! (Sorry again Michele)

          1. Guys! I don’t care about potty mouths but she seemed so concerned about an animal that “God her savior” made. Just wanted to let her know not only are horses gross but she’s a hypocrite

  13. 15 reasons why Guinea Pigs are better then horses!
    1)they’re cuter.
    2)they’re actually smart, not stupid like horses.
    3)it only takes a few seconds to clean their cage, just take it to the
    garbage dumpster outside, (after you take the guinea pig out and
    everything else in it of course!) and just dump it in the garbage, then
    put clean shavings in it and put the guinea back in and everything
    that it needs to play with and live…. unlike a disgusting stable, ugh.
    4)you can actually hold them and cuddle them.
    5)they purr and make cute noises, not annoying gross noises like
    6)they don’t freak out over the stupidest things, like horses, that
    freak out everytime a person sneezes, like really, sneezes, get
    a life, retards.
    7)they’re foods not expensive, unlike horses.
    8)whenever I see a guinea pig in a tv or book, I cheer, oh how cute and when I see a horse, i’m like oh, ugh.
    9)they’re ears are cute, unlike horses, stupid pointy things, gross.
    10)guinea pigs don’t stink, unlike horses, who smell like crap and pee,
    how gross.
    11)they’re so much fun to watch, I can sit on my bed and watch my guinea pig, named Waffles, in his cage below just having a great time,
    and it makes me laugh, unlike horses, who just stand there, pooping and eating grass, moving their disgusting tails and ears back and fourthe.
    12)they can have long hair, which is awesome.
    13)they actually look cute wearing clothes (even though I would never put clothes on a guinea pig cause it would hurt them THEY’RE FRAGILE PEOPLE! but when a horse wears clothes or hats, it looks ridicoulus and retarded.
    14)when they popcorn it’s hilarious and sweet, unlike horses, who just jump up and buck, oh whoopy do, no-one cares what you can do, horses,
    15)now drumroll, better for the 15th reason guinea pigs are better then stupid horses, Cuddles? they’re just better, and cuter, sweeter, funnier,
    god I love them, I could have 50 that’s how much I love these little guys, awww, so precious.

    mine is named Waffles, he’s a male abyssian with tan coat and some white around him!

    oh, and they love to put their tiny front feet (hey another reason, they’re feet are so tiny it’s adorable, while horses just have stupid hooves, yuck)
    anyways he loves to put those tiny feets on his house which is a pop case, and sniff the air, or let me pet him through the bars!

    they make such better pets then horses!

    your right man, horses suck!

    cant stand them!

    1. You are literally the stupidest person i have ever seen. All guinea pigs do is sleep. And in pet stores, i have to hold my breath when i pass them because they smell like shit! And horse shit literally smells like grass and hay. And guinea pigs live for like, what, 10 years? Horses live for 30, 40 years. And you cant do anything with a guinea pig. You can ride a horse and train it and ride it in shows. And what the hell have those stupid rodents done for us? Have they helped us survive? No, but horses have. Did they help us win wars? No, but horses have. Do your fucking research before you argue that useless rodents are better than horses.

    2. Horses freak out at stuff in front of them because
      a. its an unfamiliar sound that is sudden
      b. they cant see in front if them because their eyes are on the sides

      so… if you were only able to see on the sides of you and in front of you, you hear a sudden loud strange noise. would you be startled?

  14. Thank you for this. I thought I was the only girl on earth who hated horses lol. I don’t get why every girl I know is so obsessed with them. I’m guessing they’ve never had the misfortune of being around one. They are soooo smelly and if that wasn’t bad enough they fart a lot. I’ve had the misfortune of being near the wrong end of a horse when it lifted its tail and let one out. Uuuugh. I thought I was going to puke. That’s why I never understood what’s so romantic about horse drawn carriages. There’s nothing less romantic than sitting behind a big smelly animal’s big butt as it passes gas. Gross.

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  16. shut up every one and respect horses.horses are life to me.GOD BLESS EVERY HORSE IN THE WHO’LL WIDE WORLD NO MATTER IF ITS UGLY OR NOT.

  17. I get why you’re afraid of horses (they make me nervous sometimes, too).
    But a couple of things.. petting zoo pony rides are not an accurate depiction of horses. Horses used for pony rides are often mistreated and overworked (so they are NOT happy, as you noticed).
    Horses also don’t flick their tails when they poop.. cows do.
    And I like the way horses smell, it’s one of my favorite smells, lol (but not petting zoo horses.. those ones are dirty and smell like poop).
    AND, I wish you could meet my mini mare (or just someone else’s sweet, gentle horse)! She’s so sweet and not scary at all (she’s only 30″ tall and 250 pounds). While she’s not really pretty, she is kinda cute, lol

    1. Hi Asha! You are one of only a handful of horse lovers who have responded to this post without telling me to die or saying something equally malicius and ridiculous. So thank you! I completely respect your opinion and would never want to try and convince you not to love your mini mare. I’m sure she’s as wonderful as a horse can be 😉

      Honestly, I think my dislike of horses comes from a twisted form of respect. I know that they are big, powerful creatures that are capable of amazing thing. It just so happens that that scares the shit out of me! Ha!

      Also, thanks for calling me out on the tail flicking. I guess I sort of lumped them in with all barn animals…

  18. I love horses, I don’t have one but I still like them. The horses in petting zoos are mistreated and overworked ( as Asha said ), and who would be happy having to take annoying photos with visitors, carry them, and after that be confined in a small space? Horses are very powerful, and it is quite easy to get scared. I understand that, and I sometimes get nervous when they move suddenly too. But the main reason I love them is because they are actually someone who listens to me, doesn’t hate me for who I am, gives me the confidence to do something, and lifts me up when I am down.

  19. That actually really hurts my feeling a because I have grown up around horses. I think that horses are the most beautiful Animals yes they a big and yes sometimes they can be scary LOOKING. But they are not…. Horses are incredible they save people’s lives and they are a girls best friend. I have 3 horses and they make my life complete. I have a great bond with them and they are my life. I wouldn’t change they way they are for anything. And HORSES DONT SUCK. Thank you….. Horses are great and no they are not some fairy tale magic they are an amazing animal and I’m sorry you feel this way about horses. horses are great and they are incredible life saving animal. They are beautiful and they are the sweetest animal you will ever lay your eyes on. Thanks

  20. I’ve always felt super conflicted about my secret dislike of horses. I had a traumatizing event or two in childhood involving ponies and horses. I just don’t get the whole obsession thing so many people I know and love have about horses. I don’t know if it’s intelligence or instinct but I’ve always understood that they are dangerous and no where near as “emotionally intelligent” as so many people think. I’m a thinker and I just have a hard time dumbing down enough to be on the same borderline vegetative wave length as a horse. They ARE NOT mystical, beautiful(way too big to be beautiful)… Maybe noble or handsome or even regal…but not ethereal or beautiful. I’m not trying to knock what seems like every other person I’ve ever known( most of whom are wonderful intelligent people, except for the weird love of giant, stinky, stupid, mostly- unresponsive-unless-trained-hard-to-be-otherwise, pooping, death machines)…it’s just I’m tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me for not thinking horses are just awesome or whatever. I’m too old to put up the charade anymore. I don’t dig horses. I’m not some rich or cow girl wannabe. I hate having horrible hay fever and pretending to get what people mean when they express so much love and obsession for the equine stuff. I don’t get it and don’t want to…and I’m not ashamed. I’m a great person…it is possible to be one without having horsey posters all over my house, lol.

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  22. I know this comment is really late, but i had to say it and you have to read this. I love horses. When my mom died when i was 11(I’m 14 now), my stepfather abandoned me with my brother and 2 sisters. Social workers sent me to live on a farm with biological father. I was depressed until I met Gracie. She is a huge brown mare. When i was 12 i accidentally stabbed myself with a pitchfork while i was cleaning her stall. Gracie heard my scream and stayed with me until help came. She also scared off a coyote last year while i was riding her bareback. Gracie is my hero, and that’s what makes horses so wonderful

  23. Thought I was the only one glad to hear others feel the same. I have never seen the delight in riding horses or cleaning up after them or grooming them. It has never had any appeal to me. I would ask myself why are so many girls into horse riding. I’m from another plane….. And to be honest horses are moody manipulating and are actually nasty one nearly bit my fingers of when I was a kid. And some make it clear when they don’t like you yeah I feel the same horses. I do like animals I’m vegetarian I hate animal cruelty I love cats most. But horses I just cannot take to. They are not friendly either. That’s my opinion.

  24. I feel like horse lovers have some kind of ego-complex. These were once wild Mustangs but people pay money to keep them locked up so they can take them out whenever it’s convenient to play with them? Does it make you feel special or powerful to tame and control another living creature? Do you feel evolved by dominating a wild animal? I understand that they’re VERY well taken care of, and it’s VERY expensive, but you’re also investing thousands of dollars into an animal that can die at any time.

  25. I hate horses.I knew at least one horse-loving person who was killed after being bucked off her beloved horse– Similar stories of others suffering the same fate are numerous and well- documented.Multiply that # by
    all those who survived the same experience with serious injuries & add to that all the injuries/ deaths from horse kicks, bites,and tramplings of innocent people from horses “spooked”from unspecified noises You just can’t deny the high potential danger these animals present to the public.Remember–The actual number of these incidents is certainly higher that what gets reported in the news media…The issue of of horseshit stench is somehow always strangely defended by horse lovers, as if the rest of us is obligated to endure it…Where I live, a dog owner is breaking the law if he doesn’t pick up & properly dispose of the dog’s excrement.Horse owners, on the other hand,consistently regard themselves to be exempt of the same responsibility, casually riding away from huge piles of horseshit wherever they go.

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