Kind of tired of seeing the same old holiday gift guides for guys that are filled with money clips and bar ware and mustaches, I thought I’d turn to Bad Dad to get a solid list of gift ideas for men—while semi-sneakily collecting ideas for the back-to-back-to-back Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day stretch coming my way. Um, what was I thinking?!
With the oncoming holiday season, I am here to tell you what to get all those bad dads out there. Do you know a guy like me? A nerd? An asshole? A closet fascist? All rolled into one devilishly delicious and handsome package? Here it is: The Bad Dad 2014 Holiday Gift Guide.
1. Turns out I could spend an eternity on thinkgeek.com, mostly browsing and saying things like, “Man that is so cool but I am way too old to buy that and have nowhere to put it anyway… damn it.” Or, “Man that is awesome but no way could I ever wear that anywhere.” (Adulthood is realizing you can no longer wear stupid t-shirts anywhere but in the house, after work). Having said that, I would wear the shit out of this Chewbacca hoodie.
2. So, (and this will shock many of you) I was a bit of a weird kid. As such, this year’s Guardians of the Galaxy was not my first experience with its director, James Gunn. His previous work includes writing Tromeo and Juliet. I owned this movie. I was in love at like 13 with the Liz Phair–wannabe Juliet, Jane Jensen. So you damn well better believe I’d make room on my desk for the best part of the best Marvel movie thus far: Dancing Groot.
3. Moving on from the nerdier things, I ask you this: Have you ever been home when someone knocks at your door and asks whether you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Horrible right? Well, here’s what you do: slap one of these bad boys on your middle finger and raise high and proud next time they come a’knocking.
4. Jewelry not your thing? Hang one of these up and just silently point. Plus, this one is a kit, so like, perfect time to teach your kid to knit or crochet or whatever it is you do with one of these kits. Honestly, pretty much anything under the Etsy search term “satan” is a slam dunk.
5. Do you like looking handsome and fancy? Here’s something you could add to your repertoire: a pocket watch. No snark to this gift. I just think pocket watches are dang cool looking. Maybe I’m thinking too much about Boardwalk Empire?
6. Moving right along. Do you watch way too much Food Network like me? Then you know all about cooking food via sous vide. It looks and seems cool as shit. Put everything in a bag, throw it in this water bath and it comes out amazing. Do you know someone who has way too much money? Ask them for the SousVide Supreme Chef.
Let’s be honest. No one’s buying you this thing. Damn it.
7. Lastly, I was going to end on a joke about needing a massage, and listing several in the city where it would be nice to get one, but then I googled ‘massage parlor nyc’ and the results got pretty seedy and gross and I couldn’t really justify including links on this blog to hotlipsnyc and etc. It was a pretty stellar bit too. Was going to talk about how much I’ve been working, getting stressed and all that. Was going to talk about wanting to end this post on a happy note. Just a lot of really great, subtle double entendres.
But so I guess I’ll just say I’d like world peace. Specifically, the shoes that World Peace wears now that he plays basketball in China and goes by the name The Panda’s Friend. Someone buy me these shoes damn it.
Oh and God bless us, everyone. Or whatever.