For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once a week or so he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…
After reading some of the recent posts which my wife has viciously manipulated to make me look like some kind of cold-hearted dullard, I felt like I needed a change of plans. So I was thinking about how some parents like to kind of scare their kids with pranks and stuff near Halloween, but I want you all to be safe. So here’s a list of shit you DEFINITELY SHOULDN’T DO BECAUSE IT’S HALLOWEEN AND THIS STUFF MIGHT SCARE YOUR KIDS AND GIVE THEM NIGHTMARES.
- Don’t wake up just before their alarm is going to go off, hide under their bed dressed in a clown costume and slit their ankles when they wake up. That’s crossing the line. DON’T DO IT.
- Don’t rent an exotic animal like a leopard and force your kid to bring it to school for show and tell…This goes double for you parents with delicious tasting children. Delicious to leopards I mean.
- Don’t tell your kids you are a vampire and threaten to suck their blood if they refuse to go to bed. I say this as a man who’s had to have a, let’s say “stake-sized” splinter removed from his heart area.
- Under no circumstances tell your kids that their mother is secretly a witch and you can tell by the green skin and the warts and that nose. Especially don’t do this if you are married to my wife. She does NOT get jokes, even if they’re super funny.
- I cannot stress this one enough. Do not pour red paint all over your kids bed while they are sleeping and when they wake up start shouting “OH MY GOD THEY’RE DEAD!” And then pretend they don’t exist for the rest of your life. This will probably have lasting effects. Probably.
- Don’t tell them that your real name is Marilyn Manson and then set them in front of the computer which has oddly been opened to his Wikipedia page and then come back like 20 minutes later first whispering “the beautiful people… the beautiful people” then shouting “WAAAAAAAAAH”
- Don’t drown your cat then staple it to their bedpost. You sick bastard. How is that even a prank?
- Ok, finally. Some “Do’s”. DO use puns whenever you can. “What are we having for dinner?” “GHOUL-ASH. Mwahahahaha! But no, mac and cheese.” Puns were recently voted the highest form of comedy by the comedy board of America. “I VANT TO CHECK YOUR HOMEVERK!, MWA-HA-HA!”
- DO shave your kids head. Then explain that for Halloween this year they’re going dressed as a funny joke you played on them.
- DO give them candy corn. HA PRANKED! Candy corn is the worst!