Bad Dad

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once in a while he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

Editor’s Note: None of the information you will read here is true because my husband is full of shit. Except the part about him being an idiot. Because he’s definitely an idiot.

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. Jen will tell you I’ve been incredibly busy at work. This is true. But my disappearance is also largely because Jen stole my notebook with the top-notch projects I was working on.

I had a notebook filled with ideas for posts and potential stories I was going to write. Jen stole it, calling me “idiotic,” and saying something like “probably going to leave you” and maybe “you are the dumbest person who has ever existed.” On and on and on. I don’t really remember what her point was, but either way she took it and wouldn’t give it back.

I rewrote from memory as much of the notebook ideas as I could. Some were more developed than others, so the amount of work on each one may vary. Obviously they’re pretty great ideas, and if you see one you like, bombard Jen with emails and I’ll flesh it out.

Bad Dad

  • Austin Powers 4: Son of Austin (Yea, BABY!—get it?) (possible alternative subtitle: In West Shagadelphia I Was Born and Raised)
  • Coming of Age (possible book title? Piss-tol Pete Grows Up? Keeping thinking of pee puns—you’re doing great champ!)

Chapter 1

I am covered in piss. “Pissssss boy! Pisssss boy!” The children scream.  Through the tears I shout back, “I’M A MAN NOW! PISS MAN!!” I wasn’t always a man. Here’s the story of how I grew up. (NB: Maybe start by mentioning it was a dark/stormy night?!)

  • The Little Engine That Couldn’t And It Didn’t Matter Anyway: teach your kids to give up because existence is pointless.
  • Bad Dad’s Guide to Shortening Up Those Headlines
  • Drawing of like an ostrich/monkey hybrid (this one’s not so much an idea as much as it is a doodle I kind of remember drawing when I was bored)
  • Trolls Aren’t Just For Bridges Anymore: The Joy of [Messing] with People Online
  • Jake and the Neverland Pirates are cool, so don’t tell Mommy we’re downloading this movie weeks before it comes out on DVD and you can have some dubloons.
  • Do a thing where I fill out the answers to a little kids test and pretend it was really a kid who answered the questions—ie What’s 2+2? Then in the answer part write like “you’re a doody head” or maybe like, “Life is fleeting, what’s the point?” Maybe do some answers with poo jokes and half with like philosophical nonsense)
  • Some ketchup (again, not really an idea but I think there was some ketchup smeared on the notebook from when I was brainstorming over some potatoes fried in the style of the French. Hello, maybe give me some more napkins next time jerks.)
  • Crossbreeding Zoo Animals. Which would be coolest/grossest (idea I kind of got when I looked at the monkstrich drawing one day during a BrayStoSesh (Brain Storming Session)
  • Cool ways of shortening phrases that will make kids think you are hip and not a dorky dad who makes dad jokes all day (Editor’s Note: he totally stole this from Tom Haverford.)
  • Ironic Mother’s Day Gifts I got at Hot Topic
  • Lol Bae Caught Me Sleepin’: Bad Dad’s Guide to the Hottest Memes
Written by Jennifer Garry
Jen is a freelance writer and girl mom from New York. When she's not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find her sprawled across her couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on her face. The struggle is real.