Bad Dad Guide to Valentine's Day

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once a week or so he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

This year not only am I working my normal job on Valentine’s Day, but I’m also doing a freelance gig right afterwards, so I will probably see my wife for 30 seconds total this Valentine’s Day. As such, I feel like this qualifies me to be your guide to having the best “Let’s try and do something romantic even though we all repeatedly agree up and down that it’s a bullshit invented holiday not worth spit” day ever!

Bad Dad Guide to Valentine's Day


Date night – Find someone to watch your kids and enjoy a nice night on the town. Preferably have that someone be your wife. 1) don’t trust your kids to strangers and 2) she’d kind of be a third wheel while you’re out on your date with that hot young thing you’re lying to about leaving your wife for.

Whitman’s or Russel Stover’s chocolate – Nothing says our love is as special and wonderful as ever as $3.75 worth of garbage chocolate and a last minute CVS run on my way home from work.

Fireworks – Get a buttload of fireworks. Tell your significant other you want to “put some fireworks” back into the relationship. Then light all the fireworks because fireworks are awesome. SO is not entirely needed for this portion, but I guess she can stick around or whatever.

Wine and cheese – Hahaha, yea right. I think we all know how quickly that would turn into “whine and JEEZ”.

Coupons – Create a nice booklet of coupons of things you could do. For her, around the house, whatever. The important thing is to remember to throw it out later when she is otherwise distracted.

Game night – This can be a lot of fun, especially if you don’t actually have any games on hand to play. You can make ones up like, “Guess which one of your friends I saw all over some rando at a bar”

Quiet night in – Don’t get this confused with the last one. This is when you state early on that for Valentine’s Day you just want a “quiet night in”. Then when she tries to talk to you later you can just shout SHUT UP I SAID QUIET NIGHT. I’m guessing once will do the trick.

Books – Get her that book she’s been wanting, or any book really. Just try and remember not to say, “I think you’re stupid and should probably read more, is why I got you a book.” Or “You’re welcome. I got it hoping you’d read it now so I can stop having to look at your face, which I want to punch.”  It’s important not to say those things, even if you’re thinking them. Hell, ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking them.

Written by Jennifer Garry
Jen is a freelance writer and girl mom from New York. When she's not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find her sprawled across her couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on her face. The struggle is real.