Kind of tired of seeing the same old holiday gift guides for guys that are filled with money clips and bar ware and mustaches, I thought I’d turn to Bad Dad to get a solid list of gift ideas for men—while semi-sneakily collecting ideas for the back-to-back-to-back Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day stretch coming my way. Um, what was I thinking?!

With the oncoming holiday season, I am here to tell you what to get all those bad dads out there. Do you know a guy like me? A nerd? An asshole? A closet fascist? All rolled into one devilishly delicious and handsome package? Here it is: The Bad Dad 2014 Holiday Gift Guide.

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once in a while he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

I’ve always been a fan of math. There, I said it. My wife may have mentioned it once or twice, but behind this persona of raw rugged ba—hey, stop laughing—whatever. Nerd is not something I’ve never been called.

Algebra in high school made so much sense to me. Logic? Proof? It’s the thinking man’s dream. I may or may not have taken a course in college called “Philosophy and Lord of the Rings.” Anyway, nerds are cool now from what I’ve heard.

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once in a while he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

So as many of you know, Jen has started up some book club where she and some friends are going to read some (probably very bad) books. When recruited to try and help come up with a name for the book club, the conversation went something like this:

“I’m having trouble coming up with a name for the book club.”

“Uhhh… Does the book club really need to have a name?”

[death glare] “Yes. And don’t be an asshole.”

So I then went on to come up with SEVERAL book club names, which I happened to think were fantastic. Needless to say, I was deemed less than helpful and relieved of my duties as “guy even remotely pretending to help in any way.”

Without further ado, here were my contributions, each one probably better than whatever name is finally actually chosen.

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once in a while he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

Editor’s Note: None of the information you will read here is true because my husband is full of shit. Except the part about him being an idiot. Because he’s definitely an idiot.

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. Jen will tell you I’ve been incredibly busy at work. This is true. But my disappearance is also largely because Jen stole my notebook with the top-notch projects I was working on.

I had a notebook filled with ideas for posts and potential stories I was going to write. Jen stole it, calling me “idiotic,” and saying something like “probably going to leave you” and maybe “you are the dumbest person who has ever existed.” On and on and on. I don’t really remember what her point was, but either way she took it and wouldn’t give it back.

I rewrote from memory as much of the notebook ideas as I could. Some were more developed than others, so the amount of work on each one may vary. Obviously they’re pretty great ideas, and if you see one you like, bombard Jen with emails and I’ll flesh it out.

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once a week or so he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

This year not only am I working my normal job on Valentine’s Day, but I’m also doing a freelance gig right afterwards, so I will probably see my wife for 30 seconds total this Valentine’s Day. As such, I feel like this qualifies me to be your guide to having the best “Let’s try and do something romantic even though we all repeatedly agree up and down that it’s a bullshit invented holiday not worth spit” day ever!

Ideas:

Date night – Find someone to watch your kids and enjoy a nice night on the town. Preferably have that someone be your wife. 1) don’t trust your kids to strangers and 2) she’d kind of be a third wheel while you’re out on your date with that hot young thing you’re lying to about leaving your wife for.

Whitman’s or Russel Stover’s chocolate – Nothing says our love is as special and wonderful as ever as $3.75 worth of garbage chocolate and a last minute CVS run on my way home from work.

Fireworks – Get a buttload of fireworks. Tell your significant other you want to “put some fireworks” back into the relationship. Then light all the fireworks because fireworks are awesome. SO is not entirely needed for this portion, but I guess she can stick around or whatever.

Wine and cheese – Hahaha, yea right. I think we all know how quickly that would turn into “whine and JEEZ”.

Coupons – Create a nice booklet of coupons of things you could do. For her, around the house, whatever. The important thing is to remember to throw it out later when she is otherwise distracted.

Game night – This can be a lot of fun, especially if you don’t actually have any games on hand to play. You can make ones up like, “Guess which one of your friends I saw all over some rando at a bar”

Quiet night in – Don’t get this confused with the last one. This is when you state early on that for Valentine’s Day you just want a “quiet night in”. Then when she tries to talk to you later you can just shout SHUT UP I SAID QUIET NIGHT. I’m guessing once will do the trick.

Books – Get her that book she’s been wanting, or any book really. Just try and remember not to say, “I think you’re stupid and should probably read more, is why I got you a book.” Or “You’re welcome. I got it hoping you’d read it now so I can stop having to look at your face, which I want to punch.”  It’s important not to say those things, even if you’re thinking them. Hell, ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking them.