When my husband steps in the door from work at night, both of my girls do the necessary shrieking, running, hugging, etc. But as soon as that business is taken care of, my little toddler points to the kitchen and says “Cook!” (score one for effectively turning gender roles on their heads… or for being a crappy cook. Whichever).

As soon as my husband starts making dinner she will claw at his legs, trying to scale him like a mountain in an effort to get a better view of the chopping or sauteing or whatever else might be going on. Girlfriend is obsessed.

She never shouts this little command at me, mind you. I think she must know better. But yesterday I decided to blow her mind. It was mid afternoon and she was seriously cranky. It was also a little chilly in the house, so I decided to do a little baking and let her get in on the action. Pumpkin bread is pretty much my favorite cold weather comfort treat ever–and even I can’t mess it up.

I definitely learned a lesson or two about cooking with toddlers in the process.

1. These mysterious creatures really like an abundance of bowls and dry ingredients.

As soon as I lined up a trio of bowls on the table, crank face transformed into a happy, open individual that was eager to participate in whatever experiment was about to be conducted.

Once I broke out the flour, eagerness morphed into straight up glee. Wait. Are we about to cook here?! She was like the dog in the Beggin’ Strips commercial. She went to town on those bowls, even seeming to conduct a mini orchestra.

2. Wet ingredients are the devil.

Then there were the wet ingredients. The evil, horrible, no good, very bad wet ingredients.

They’re not so bad on their own, in their own little bowl. In fact, they’re kind of fun to squish around. But don’t you even dream of getting rid of the beloved dry ingredients by tainting them with wet ingredients. That’s just straight up blasphemous and may require an exorcism to help the toddler who suddenly seems to be possessed by the devil.

There will be screaming. And crying. There will be flailing limbs and ingredients flying through the air (in our case it was allspice).

3. Beginning to clean up is the most efficient method of toddler exorcism.

When it was obvious that my monster baby was inconsolable, I started to clean up. Something about my movements and whatever I was mumbling under my breath must have completely magical because you know what? She recovered. Instantly.

Suddenly she really, really needed to stir it up a bit more, to make sure I did everything right.

(Don’t you just want to bite those little wrist rolls?!)

The pumpkin bread turned out fantastic, by the way. It was moist and totally comforting. And let me tell you, I really needed that.

Here’s the recipe I used. Total and complete meltdown not included.

My husband had to work yesterday, which meant I had the ladies all to myself all day. I was both excited and leery about this. I knew we could either have a great day or an I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored! combined with I’m just going to throw as many tantrums as I can kind of day.

I totally lucked out.

Aside from a minor nap-related meltdown, we had a great day. We made a doll from a kit Samantha got for Christmas last year (more on that partial fail later this week), we did Sam’s reading bingo homework, colored, and went to Barnes and Noble to read some books and split a Rice Krispy treat at the cafe.

When we got home, Sam decided she wanted to write a story for daddy (the absolutely hilarious title page will be in my Instagram post this week). I was feeling so warm and fuzzy after a great day with my girls, so I decided to break out the camera and take some photos of my lovelies.

Cue parenting fail.

I took a few shots of my little writer hard at work. She was really into her story (which was about a seriously gassy panda).

Yes, that is Ellie’s shoe on the table which is probably the first clue that I’m not paying as much attention to her as I should be. No judging.

Once Samantha started getting huffy and puffy about me taking pictures of her, I turned the lens to the baby bean.

Ms. One Shoe’s attention was split evenly between whatever show was on (my guess is Jake and the Neverland Pirates since she regularly demands it) and the toy in her hand.

I was so smitten by my seemingly angelic babies, I made Sam stop writing so I could take pictures of us (we don’t have nearly enough of those).

Hmmmm. Notice that faint discoloration around Ellie’s mouth in that bottom shot? I didn’t. I was in my little La-La Land and paying no attention to whatever Ellie was doing while sitting in my lap.

It was only after I saw this picture that I said What the heck is on Ellie’s mouth? I looked down at her, realizing she had been very quiet. It became immediately apparent why she was so quiet. You can’t really do a lot of talking while sucking on an ink pad!

She had taken a stamp out of her sister’s pencil case and had been sucking on the little ink pad the entire time I was taking pictures. No ink was left. None. It was all in her mouth.

Parenting fail.

Have you had any moments like this lately? It doesn’t have to be a parenting fail, but a moment when you thought everything was going smooth and life was good only to realize you weren’t really paying attention to what was actually happening. Please share and make me feel better about myself 😉

Not to brag or anything, but my kids are smart. Actually, nevermind. I will brag. My kids are mini geniuses that could beat the pants off your kids in a trivia contest. Especially Ellie. She kills it in current events. Especially if the events involve her diaper.

Anyway, since I think my kids are so smart and so cute, I decided to start a new column called Just Ask Sam. In it, I will ask Samantha questions on specific topics and give you her (brilliant) answers.

Today’s topic? The 2012 Presidential Election. (I would tell you Ellie’s thoughts too, but all she wants to say this morning is butt).

Who would you vote for in this election and why?

Barack Obama because I wrote a letter to his wife and I really like her… and him.

Is Barack Obama doing a good job?

Yes because I like how he is helping the country.

What is the president’s most important job?

Making sure the country is safe from guns and bad guys.

What’s the one thing you think the president should do to make the world a better place?

Make sure no one litters.

If you were president, what’s one thing you would do?

I think that I should make sure everyone obeys the law.

How would you do that?

By making signs and getting people to help me raise the signs so everyone could see the signs that say “Make the world a better place!”

Also, I will sing the pledge of allegiance morning, afternoon, and night if I’m president.

If anyone in the world could be president, who would you pick?

Mom. I think she’s really good at taking care of us.

A lot of people are having trouble finding jobs right now. How would you create new jobs for people?

I don’t know what that even means. I would make more jobs like scientists and builders.

How do you feel about Big Bird?

Why are you asking me an Elmo question?! I don’t really like Big Bird. I like Elmo. I like seeing him, I just like Elmo more.

If you had to wear a tie would it be red or blue?

Red because I like red more than blue and I like red because my cousin likes it.

I mentioned last week that I put together a little Bored Jar inspired by a few different projects I saw on Pinterest (just searching “boredom busters” there brings up an endless array of ideas for any age group). I thought it would be fun to give you a little peek at our jar and some of the things Samantha has done with it.

Exactly six years ago today, I waddled through the front door of the hospital as if I was about to be executed (in fact, to this day my mom still laughs about how I was “dead man walking” that morning). My first child was due four days earlier and I had been four centimeters dilated for a little longer than my doctors would have liked. They decided to induce me, although I would have been more than fine with letting her hang out in there for as long as she wanted if it meant I didn’t have to face childbirth.

As I stepped into the elevator to go up to labor and delivery part of me wanted to run–or at least walk briskly–as far away as I could. I was absolutely petrified, with visions of screaming movie moms dancing through my head. And as if that wasn’t scary enough, there was the whole notion of being responsible for another human being’s life. For nurturing her and guiding her through life and raising her to be her best self. I felt so heavy and so scared. And don’t even get me started on the look on Tim’s face!

Three hours later, after a miraculously simple labor and delivery, my little rosebud was placed on my chest. She promptly pooped on me and I fell in love. One glance into her big eyes and my husband and I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is such a thing as love at first sight.

Fast forward six years. SIX YEARS. Not only is today my best buddy’s birthday, but it’s her last day of kindergarten. I am a big, emotional mess. The kind of mess that bursts into tears after hearing all of the kids scream “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” when she stepped onto the bus. How did so much time go by so quickly? How did she get so big?

Samantha is one of the sweetest, most caring people I know. She has a flair for drama (but you have to love her for it) and acts as if she’s 16 instead of 6. She’s funny and she’s smart and I just love that girl to pieces.

Instead of continuing and becoming a big, blubbering mess, I’m going to share some pictures of my sweet petunia…