Chinese take out Halloween costume

I think pretty much all women go through the sexy Halloween costume stage, right? I was totally a Catholic schoolgirl (twice). I don’t know if it’s a Hey, look at me! I’m all grown up! assertion or if it’s more of a I would never be caught dead in an outfit like this under normal circumstances so let’s get all my crazy out in one night kind of thing.

Whatever. Something about Halloween makes girls go a little wild. But some of these outfits are straight up ridiculous. As in we may need to reassess your mental stability ridiculous.

While it’s safe to say I probably won’t be dressing up this Halloween, here are five Halloween costumes that I can completely guarantee you I will not be wearing.

Chinese take out Halloween costume

1. Chinese Take Out

Nothing says “Hi my name is Jen and I’m cheap and unfulfilling” quite like dressing up as Chinese take out. Especially when Enjoy is cheerily splashed all over your chest and your crotch says Thank You. The only thing missing is a promise to deliver in ten minutes.

2. Naughty Nem-Oh

Seriously people. Is nothing sacred anymore? We have to sex up Nemo?! The description of this costume really shows how far we’re willing to stretch to make things seem sexy: Wear this naughty nem-oh costume and you’re sure to be found. Oh man. They got me. Hook, line, and sinker.

Penthouse Pet of the Year Halloween costume3. Penthouse Pet of the Year

If your message is “Hey fellas. I like to walk around rubbing my Photoshopped nipples all day” then this is definitely the costume for you. Everyone will know that you’re a XXX Sex Goddess and the perfect one night stand… because you’ll be advertising it clearly. Nothing says sexy like laying it all out there.

inflatable doll Halloween costume4. Inflatable Doll

You know what I always want people to think of when they think of me? A big plastic sex toy. Or a gaping mouth. Either way. For real though, I’m not really sure why anyone would ever want to wear this costume–unless they thought Ryan Gosling was somehow included.

plug and socket Halloween costume5. Plug and Socket

If for some reason my husband magically wakes up feeling festive on Halloween morning, I need him to know that this is not a costume we’ll be wearing. I do kind of like that the men’s costume comes with a cord that’s sort of leash like to make sure your guy doesn’t disappear and leave you open for jokes and come ons while dressed as a socket. But if you want to see another (totally unsexy) use for the cord, check out the awkward video on this website that sells it.

Written by Jennifer Garry
Jen is a freelance writer and girl mom from New York. When she's not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find her sprawled across her couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on her face. The struggle is real.