You know those little things called feelings? Well, I’m feeling all of them right now.
For the last week I’ve been like a quickly moving ping pong ball trapped in a very small space. My emotions are bouncing wildly all over the place and I can barely keep up. One second I’m so freaking sad that summer is ending. I’m on the verge of tears at the thought that my baby (my baby!) is going to climb onto a school bus and be whisked away into the land of big kids. The very next second I’m positive that I will rip my hair out right now if that god damn bus doesn’t come.
It’s making me feel insane.
This is motherhood. For real.
It’s never ending waves of conflicting emotions, pushing and pulling and pushing and pulling in different directions. You want to soak in every sweet second with these creatures curled up all over you, but you also want to not be touched for five freaking seconds, thank you very much. You want to listen to their singsong voices telling you never ending stories, but you would kill for a few minutes of quiet.
How can one person need both things so badly when they are polar opposites?!
For some reason, we’re taught that just about everything is black and white. You’re either one way or the other. You are either one of those moms who is obsessed with her delicious little babes or you constantly talk about what a pain in the ass they are. You’re either doting and bursting with pride or perennially annoyed.
Can I tell you a secret? It’s all bullshit.
There are very few things in life that are actually black and white. And motherhood? Motherhood is definitely not one of them. It’s messy and complicated. It’s filled with conflicting emotions that mirror the mess, making it look and feel even messier. We all feel that way. Some of us are just better at stuffing it down and hiding it than others.
As for me? I’m a hot mess. And today, on my baby’s first day of kindergarten, I’m going to ride that wave. I’m going to let myself feel all of those feelings—because we all know that tomorrow will bring a whole new set of feelings to contend with. 😉
This post is part of my 52 Essays project. In 2015, I set a goal for myself to write one finished piece every week. I failed miserably and only published 16. This year, it’s my mission to complete the project (I’m not doing so hot). Some will be good. Some will be less good. Hopefully you’ll love them. Maybe you’ll hate them. We’ll just have to wait and see. 😉 19/52
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Hi! I'm Jen, a freelance writer and girl mom who loves reading the newest children’s books as much as I love a good psychological thriller. I believe fiercely in the power of kindness, empathy, and really good quality chocolate. When I'm not knee-deep in glittery crafts and girl talk, you can probably find me sprawled out on my couch in the middle of a Netflix marathon with dark chocolate smeared on my face. The struggle is real. 
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