The Bad Dad Guide to Teaching Your Kids About Saints

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to Bad Dad before, he’s my husband and he’s a little fresh. We usually don’t let him out around polite company, but once a week or so he finds a way to sneak onto the blog and horrify me. If you haven’t met him before, I apologize in advance…

Sure Halloween is great, but the thing to remember is that it’s actually All Hallows’ Eve, the night before All Saints day. My wife didn’t grow up religious, but I spent kindergarten through college in Catholic institutions. As such, it’s my duty to ensure my children get the religious knowledge they require so they can fit through that eye of a needle with a camel or whatever and get into heaven. And so here is my guide to you, on some saints and how to discuss them with your children today. I will see you all in hell.

Saint Anthony

The prayer goes something like this, “Dear Saint Anthony, full of grace. How are you? I lost my keys. Please help me find them because I’m late. Thanks and please don’t fughettaboudit, Amen.” But the story to go along is interesting too. Once upon a time in the land of Jerusalem, Jesus lost the keys to his camel or whatever. Anyway, his buddy Tony finds them, goes, “Hey Jesus, I found your keys!” Then Jesus saideth unto him: “Tony, from here on out, you shall be the patron saint of finding things.” Huh. I guess actually the story wasn’t that interesting.

St. Croix

I don’t think he’s an actual Saint and you are never going there for Spring Break.

Saint Luke

Luke is actually my Confirmation name. I think he wrote a Gospel. I picked it because of Luke Skywalker. Yes, Daddy is going to hell. Yes, you are too. What? I forget. Anyway, Luke was the one who wrote at length about Jesus’ birth. Or not, I’m not sure, but here’s the thing about Star Wars…

Saint Francis of Asisi

Bald-Ass Friar Tuck-looking motherfucker.

St. Peter

He’s the gatekeeper. He guards heaven from riff-raff like you. I’m guessing if we team up and tickle him and distract him we can all sneak in or gang-rush him and take him down. It’s going to require a real team effort though, so here, drink this. Huh? No it’s just Kool-Aid. What do you mean it smells weird?

St. Ides

That’s some high gravity stuff kiddo. Here, go to the fridge and get me another [belch], yeaaah.

Saint John

John was another gospel writer, basically he was the weird one who wore the animal fur leotard looking thing and baptized people, and possibly baptized Jesus as well.  Also he was decapitated. Decapitated? Oh here, I’ll show you. This is Ned Stark…

Saint Genesius

Here’s to the importance of reading, kid. Some girl in my older sister’s grade chose this as her confirmation name because of Phil Collins. Huh? Genesis, duh. What? Oh, I have no idea who Genesius was or what she did, why? Oh right.

St. Theresa

Oh hey I think she’s a Saint now? Anyway she was a real nice lady who like, I think washed feet. Of homeless people. Huh? Yeah, I guess she would have been better served like raising money or whatever, but washing feet is symbolic. Like what Jesus did. What’s that? Oh, well, symbolic is kind of a BS way of saying empty gesture? Who’s running this discussion anyway?

St. Bartholomew

He loved Jesus so much that he traveled the world and wound up getting skinned alive because of his faith. Never believe in anything or love anything enough to get yourself skinned. Michelangelo painted this skinless idiot on the Sistine Chapel as a warning to everyone.

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