Every once in a while I check my site analytics to try and figure out how and why people are finding my website. Sometimes the search terms people use make total sense. Around Halloween I got a flood of people looking for DIY ghost tutus. I get it. I mean, I wrote a post on that topic and it seems like a totally normal thing for a person to search for.
But then there are the times when the search terms I see make me spit out my peppermint tea in laughter. People are weird. Like, way weirder than I thought (and that’s coming from a person whose husband despises melted cheese). To prove it, I’m sharing 5 of the really out there things people search for.
1. why horses hate me
First of all, I can totally answer that question for you. Horses hate you because they suck. They’re terrible beasts that should be avoided at all costs.
But my question to you, dear internet surfer, is what has happened in your life—apparently repeatedly—that has led you to turn to the world wide web to learn about the psychological impact you have on an animal.
2. bad saints
Again, I’m really interested in the head space of a person who decides to stop everything, turn to Google, and learn a little something about bad saints. Have they just done something terrible that they fear will keep them from sainthood? Are they looking for someone to feel like they’re better than?
“Well at least I’m not as bad as St. Olga! I might curse like a sailor, but she was a mass murderer!” BOOM.
3. how to remove cuddles
Excuse me, kind sir or madam, but are you aware that cuddles are not like an unidentifiable stain that needs to be lifted from your favorite dress? Also, are you aware that it’s not physically possible to remove a verb? You can stop doing a verb, but you can’t stomp it out of existence.
Also, what kind of person wants to remove cuddles?!
4. essential mom porn pics
I’m not even sure where to start on this one. I think my favorite part of this search term is the word “essential.” Essential as in absolutely necessary or extremely important. This person does not dabble in regular old mom porn pics. Oh no. Only the best mom porn for his or her champagne tastes.
I’m pretty sure Ryan Gosling is not what they had in mind.
5. purse cuddles
I tried to look up the technical term for people obsessed with purses, but the closest I could find was oniomaniac, or someone obsessed with shopping. If I had to guess, the person who searched for this term is probably an oniomaniac. I can imagine him or her walking into Nordstrom all nonchalant and slowly sidling up to the Michael Kors display. She stops and reaches out to touch a strap before glancing around secretively. Once satisfied that no one is watching, she rubs her cheek against the cool, smooth leather.
Dear purse cuddler, I want to know you!
Bonus search term: keep berries fresh longer in wind
I understand wanting to keep your berries fresh for longer periods of time. Those suckers go all mushy way too quick. But what is this wind business? Do you live in a wind tunnel? Are you expecting a hurricane? Are you planning to move into a treehouse? Do tell!
Now the question is: are you brave enough to tell me something weird you’ve searched for? I’m pretty sure most of my weird search terms are kid related.